merryghoul: fi the best (fi the best)
[personal profile] merryghoul
Title: ...And All We Got Was This Lousy Russian Spy Job | AO3
Fandom: Burn Notice
Prompt: Episode tags and missing scenes
Medium: fic
Wordcount: 1996
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: no standard warnings apply
Summary: The adventures of Fiona, Madeline and an unlucky Russian spy. Missing scenes from episode 7.04, "Brothers in Arms."

Fic deals with a canonical kidnapping and also includes guns, but nothing violent.
There are references to the Campbell arc in season 2 as well as "Reunion."
Parts of this story may be Jossed by future episodes of Burn Notice. And maybe the season 7 DVD, if there are missing scenes.

Fiona had been through this before. She wanted a boyfriend that wasn't a spy. Eventually she met a paramedic named Campbell (his name was actually John, but he preferred going by his last name). But Fiona didn't want Campbell to know that she and the people she was working with were spies. She referred to Michael's team as "soil scientists." Then Michael needed Campbell's ambulance for a job. And once Campbell figured out exactly what was going on, Fiona's relationship with him was over.

And now she was about to go through it again. Michael needed some outside help for a job. It wasn't the type of job she liked. All the CIA did was cause problems in their relationship. Michael and Fiona broke up months ago and the CIA was still causing problems in their relationship. She had told Carlos repeatedly she was done with Michael, that she was ready to move on from Michael's endless stream of problems. It was bad enough that she hadn't told Carlos about helping Michael's mother fend off the bookie that wanted to rip her off. Telling Carlos about how Michael needs a Russian spy to be kidnapped for a CIA job of his would be even worse.

There was no way Carlos was going to be involved in Michael's latest scheme. The only thing Fiona could do was cancel their date. It was going to be a candlelit dinner at her house. She even had tuna in the fridge ready to cook for their dinner. But that date wouldn't be, and it was all because of Michael.

Fiona sighed and dialed Carlos' number on her cell phone.


"What's up, Fi?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cancel our date."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Something came up."

"What is it? A job?"

"No, it's something personal. I'll talk to you later, okay? I've got to go."

She blew out the candles she lit for her date with Carlos.

Preparing for the job was easy. The guy that gave Fiona her bounty hunting jobs had a van she could use for heavier, more valuable targets. She had water bottles in a cooler; kidnapping jobs tended to run long, and as long as she had water, she'd be okay without food for a while. She had zip ties—Fiona believed you couldn't plan a kidnapping without them. She had the boxes (and foam peanuts to weigh them down) ready for the kidnapping. She even had her pre-kidnap plan ready: she was going to pretend to deliver boxes near where Ivan, her target, lived.

Getting someone to help kidnap Ivan was the hard part. Carlos was out because she believed he'd leave her over the job. Sam and Jesse were also out, as they were helping Michael with his job in Cuba. Everyone else she knew was either too busy or disinterested in kidnapping a person on the spot.

The only person she could call for the kidnapping job was Madeline. Now Fiona really had to not tell Carlos about the job.

Fiona hit Madeline's speed dial number on her cell phone.

"Hey, Madeline."

"Hi, Fi!"

"I need your help on a job."

"Are you okay? What kind of job is it?"

"A kidnapping job."

Madeline hesitated. "Why me, honey?"

"You're the first person I could think of. Can you get ready, like, right now?"


"Great. I'll pick you up in about five minutes. And I won't be in the coupe. I'll be pulling up in a black van. It's from work. I'll honk when I get here."

Madeline loaded the boxes back into the van after Fiona pointed her Walther to Ivan's head. Then she climbed into the van.

"You," Fiona said to Ivan. "In the van. Now."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Why are you asking questions? Get in the van or I blow your head off."

Ivan hopped in the van. Fiona followed. Both Fiona and Madeline shut the van's back doors.

"On your stomach." Fiona was still aiming the Walther at Ivan.

Madeline tied a zip tie around Ivan's hands.

"You won't get away with this. As soon as I get away from you, I report you to GRU, to police, to everyone…"

"Is there a way to shut this guy up?"

Fiona nodded. "Grab his tie. It's not a clip-on."

Madeline untied Ivan's tie and tied it around his mouth. He was still making threats to Fiona and Madeline, but they were muffled.

Fiona shrugged. "It's not a complete fix, but it'll do."

Ivan attempted to escape from the van after Fiona had planted false information in a trash can in the Keys. Part of the job involved making Ivan look like he leaked information to the CIA while being dumb enough to leave his cell phone on so the GRU--officers of the Russian Main Intelligence Directive, and his case, ones located in Miami--could track him down.

His escape was thwarted when Ivan ran into the van he escaped from, courtesy of Madeline driving the van in his path in time.

There was one problem: he was in the middle of a busy street, and both the van and Ivan were holding up traffic.

The held-up traffic allowed Fiona to cross the street. She was on a pier when Ivan escaped. She would've attempted to tackle him herself (despite her height and weight disadvantages), but the traffic was too heavy.

"It's okay!" Fiona raised her hands in the air and yelled as loud as she could. "I’m a bounty hunter. I have the right to arrest this man. He's a bail jumper."

Madeline stopped the van, took the keys out of the ignition and got out of the van. She shut the van's driver seat door. "I figured you needed help getting Ivan back into the van."

"Yeah, this big boy's gonna take a while to get back in again."

Fiona and Madeline opened the van's back door and put Ivan back in. This took a little bit of time, as most drivers were too irritated enough to help the ladies put their "bounty" in the van.

As soon as Ivan was back in the van, Fiona drove away from the pier as fast as she could.

Originally Fiona's plan, and what Ivan agreed to as part of his surrender, was to give Ivan up to the GRU. The unofficial business Ivan did--spying on others that did not share the beliefs of the GRU and using his position to bribe local businessmen into paying him cash on the side--disgusted Fiona. It was more spy craft that she had grown tired of seeing for the past six years or so. And not only that, it wasn't even honest spy craft.

Then Ivan told Fiona about Eva, his girlfriend in Des Moines who was going to nursing school.

The other part of Ivan's deal was for Fiona to send Eva Ivan's farewell email before he was given up.

Before Fiona could reach where Ivan worked, she stopped the van and got out of it. Madeline followed her out.

"I can't do it, Madeline. I can't give Ivan up to the GRU. It doesn't sound like he's lying about Eva. What do you think?"

Madeline looked at Fiona, wide eyed. "It doesn't sound like he's lying to me. Maybe you should check it out on your laptop."

"I don't want to. Internet data cards are expensive," she whispered.

"Well, how will you know?"

Fiona sighed. "Oh, all right."

Fiona and Madeline walked to the back of the van. Fiona opened the van door and pulled out her laptop.

"Hi, Ivan. Bye, Ivan." She shut the van door again.

"Look, Fiona! There's a bus bench where you've parked your van!"

Fiona shook her head. "Uh, I meant to do that."

Both women sat on the bus bench, occasionally shaking their head to confused bus drivers who would stop for them.

On the bus bench, Fiona looked up Eva. Ivan wasn't lying; he really had a girlfriend named Eva who was going to nursing school in Iowa. Some of the money he received from the GRU (as well as the money he illicitly took from others) was going to her schooling.

"So what do you want to do?" Madeline asked Fiona.

Fiona grinned. "First, I'm going to make sure Eva can pay off medical school for a while. And next, I'm going to buy her the fastest plane out of Des Moines."


"I'm in the mood for a reunion. If I can't be with Carlos because of this job, at least I'd like to pass my happiness to other lovers. Then I'm going to visit an old friend."

Fiona drove to AAA Card & Paper, a store with bars covering its windows and front door. Fiona had been there before with Michael; the two were trying to figure out where an accomplice of Anson, the man who burned Michael, was hiding.

"This looks like an office store, Fi."

"Trust me; this isn't just an office store. You got my laptop?"

"Of course."

"All I need you to do is show this guy Ivan's face and signature."

"You make it sound like I'm going to attempt to open up the bridge program on this computer."

"I don't know. Maybe you would. But it's nice to be safe. Let's go."

Fiona and Madeline got out of the van. While Madeline carried Fiona's laptop, Fiona tucked her Walther in the back of her jeans.

The same employee who was at AAA Card & Paper when Michael was there with her was working at that very moment. The door to the shop was locked.

"Hey," Fiona yelled inside the shop, "remember me?"

The employee walked to the door. "Yes. Yes I do remember you. Lady, you or that old woman are not on my list of clients today. Come back tomorrow."

Fiona pulled out her Walther and aimed it at his head. "Aww, that's no way to treat a friend. Can I come in now, with my friend?"

The employee sighed and let Fiona and Madeline inside the shop.

Once they were inside, Madeline turned on Fiona's laptop. She pulled up a picture Ivan took for the GRU.

"I have a lot of friends."

Madeline showed the employee the picture as well as Ivan's signature on a document.

"And one of my friends really needs to get out of the state before some not so nice guys get him. I need you to make up a fake Iowa driver's license and a US passport for him."

"Do you know how long it would take to make an Iowa driver's license? I've got to put the little numbers beside the name and the birth date and everything, and then I have to center the signature under the big photograph, and then duplicate that and blend it into--"

Fiona removed the safety off the Walther and aimed at his genitals. "You have four hours for both documents. And this time I might actually show you how dangerous I really am."

The employee gulped.

Fiona held the small plastic bag that held Ivan's new fake Iowa ID and passport outside of AAA Card & Paper. "Well, I hope Ivan likes his new identification. It should be enough to get him out of Florida by the next morning. Wait, Madeline, what are those?"

"Nursing school brochures."

"Nursing school brochures?"

"I printed them out while that guy was making Ivan's IDs. I was thinking if Eva needed another school to go to, she could know about her options."

"Don't put them in with Ivan's things," Fiona said as she handed Madeline Ivan's fake Iowa ID and passport. "Did Eva email us?"

"She's at the bus station. She promises not to leave until she sees Ivan."

"Good. Let's go."

Despite Fiona's warnings, Madeline put the brochures with Ivan's forged documents. Madeline knew Fiona wouldn't mind. She would've done the same thing if she thought of it first.


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