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merryghoulTitle: The Second Wife of River Song
Author:merryghoul
Fandom: Doctor Who (2005)
Word Count: ~5900
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: no standard warnings apply; fic contains canon-typical violence, minor character death, and sexual content
Summary: The brief marriage of River and Missy, complete with a thwarted attempt to try to take over Starship UK, an encounter with a star whale tendril, and a visit to the Tower of London. (River/Missy, idfic.)
AO3, Teaspoon, or under the cut.
River Song has been married four hundred and twenty-eight times. Her four hundredth and twenty-eighth marriage was to the Doctor. However, her very third marriage was to the Time Lady known as the Mistress. River didn't know she was marrying the Mistress at the time. When she found out, she noted it in her diary. She never told the Doctor while she was alive. This Mistress was well into the Doctor's future, anyway. To tell him would be a spoiler.
The Mistress, who went by "Missy," learned about River sometime after the Doctor and his allies defeated her Cyberman army. Hearing about River being imprisoned for murder reminded Missy of her wife, Lucy. Missy was glad Lucy was arrested and imprisoned for attempting to kill her while she was still Harold Saxon. But Lucy's imprisonment backfired on Harold when Lucy tried to poison him. After that, Missy felt nothing but bitter feelings towards her ex-wife.
Missy was disappointed to learn River Song was later paroled and was now dead. But Missy knew she could still find this River Song and enlist her to stop the Doctor's plans. All Missy had to do was travel to River's past. Missy learned River was once a student at Luna University. No one at the university knew where she came from or if River Song was actually her name. She showed up saying she wanted to study archeology. Everyone accepted it. With that in mind, Missy knew when to pick up River--sometime between semesters there, while she was still a student.
River completed her first term at Luna University. She was amazed at how the Doctor knew she'd love archeology. It was like a future version of herself told him to let herself know this. She was disappointed the university was on break. If she could, she'd stay in the library and study more about archeology there. Instead, she headed to her apartment, wondering where she would go during break.
That was when she bumped into a woman wearing a black hat, a purple jacket, a vortex manipulator, and dress, holding a purple umbrella in one hand and various books in the other. The books fell to the ground.
River blinked. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, picking up the woman's books. "I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
"Oh no, I'm sorry," the woman said. "I'm new here. I plan to enrol here next semester. I figured I'd be able to explore the campus before they closed up for break."
River handed the woman her books. "Where are you going for break?"
"Starship UK."
"Starship UK? I've always wanted to go there. They have some very interesting things there at the markets."
The woman blew a raspberry. "But what about the Winders there? They can change their faces at any moment."
"If you take me with you, maybe we can do both." River extended her hand to the woman. "I'm River Song."
The woman put her umbrella under her arm and shook River's hand. "I'm Missy."
"Wait a minute. How are we going to get to Starship UK? We need some sort of transport, and I don't have anything to get us off the moon."
Missy pulled out a vortex manipulator from out of her hat. She handed it to River. "Vortex manipulator."
River blinked. "A vortex manipulator? How'd you get a vortex manipulator?"
"A friend of a friend of a Time Agent. The details aren't important. Let's go. Strap that baby on. We're off to make pudding."
Missy and River materialised in Surrey, Starship UK. Specifically, they materialised in the New Church of St Nicolas, a recreation of the same church that was on Earth. And right in front of the altar, too. Both were face to face with a minister.
"I've seen people jump out of buildings to come to the altar, but this is the first time I've seen the couple to be appear out of thin air." The minister clapped. "Now the wedding can begin!"
"Wedding?" River asked. "We can't get married. We need a witness."
The minister pointed to a cocker spaniel in the corner. "Gracie's always a witness at a wedding."
"A dog can't be a witness at a wedding," River said.
"People in the state of New Mexico on the Starship of the United States have been using dogs as witnesses for ages. So we decided to do it on Starship UK. Now let's continue with this wedding. You two must be a bundle of nerves."
Missy grabbed River's hands. "Yes, dear, stop being a bundle of nerves. I want to be, the, um..."
"Are you asking how many times I've been married?"
"Yes."
"Two. To an Atrion for about a week--she died, by the way--and an Ursulan for a day. The Ursulan wanted a baby with me. I asked for an annulment as soon as he said that."
"The second wife of River Song." Missy stroked River's hair. "I can't wait to get you home and rip all the hair out your head."
"I worked hard to get this hair. No one is ripping it out of my head, Missy."
The minister cleared his throat. "In the presence of our Queen Mother, Elizabeth the Tenth, we have come together to witness the marriage of..." The minister pointed at Missy.
"Missy. Missy Stoker."
"And River Song, to share their joy and celebrate their love."
The minister continued with his amended version of what used to be the Church of England's wedding vows. Then he made Missy and River sign their names in the church's digital register of married persons. In front of the legal witness, Gracie the dog, Missy and River were married.
Missy kissed River in front of the minister and Gracie. River returned the kiss; she wasn't one to reject a random kiss here and there.
When Missy kissed River, River felt two hearts, two hearts that weren't her own. River knew that, besides herself, there were few species in the galaxy with two hearts. What was Missy? She looked humanoid. Was she from Apalapucia or Skale? Was she Dulcian, without the silly body skirts? Something benign, like a Clockwork being? Or something worse, like a Word Lady? Certainly, she couldn't have been a Time Lady, right? The Doctor was supposedly the last of his kind. She didn't count herself in that number.
Meanwhile, Missy knew River wasn't normal, either. And she didn't know whether River was an alien or not herself.
Missy slid a finger down River's nose and mouth. "Been so long since I had a wife. I'm sure you'll be a good one. You said you wanted to go to the markets, right?"
"Right."
"Let's go far, far away from this country outpost. Not the best place to spend one of those post-wedding holiday things you spend with your wife."
An announcement played as Missy and River materialised in London Market: "Welcome to London Market. You are being monitored. London Market is a crime-free zone."
Missy stepped out of her TARDIS and gestured in front of the gun booth. "Look, dear, our own wedding registry! I know you'll love these."
River looked at the booth and gasped. "How did you know I'd like this booth?"
Missy shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. You look like someone who'd enjoy guns."
River walked up to a section marked "Antique Guns from the United States." She picked up a Colt revolver. "I had one of these when I lived on Earth."
Missy walked over to a section called "Blasters." "Oh, no, no, no. You don't want some silly, dated Earth pistol, dear." She picked up a blaster and walked to River. "You want this."
"What is it?"
"An Alpha Meson pistol. You won't ever need to reload it like you would those silly Earth guns." Missy brushed away River's hair on the right side of her head and leaned into her ear. "Come on, try it."
River took the Alpha Meson pistol and aimed it at a pole holding down the tent. The force of the pistol pushed the tent away from Missy and River.
"You're going to be amazing with that gun," Missy whispered into River's ear.
"What next? I can't walk around London with this pistol in my hand."
"Silly me." Missy grabbed a drop leg holster from another table. "Let me put this on for you. Right leg, please. Oh, and your belt."
River took off her belt. Missy threaded the belt and the drop leg holster around River's waist. She then strapped the holster to River's leg. Missy slapped River's thigh. "Now let's go shopping for masks."
"Masks?"
"It's for our wedding night. I want something kinky when we consummate our marriage."
"Who said we were consummating a marriage? I don't know you at all."
"On the contrary, I think you know me well. You don't know it yet."
River and Missy went to another booth and tried on a mask. The mask was similar to a lot of older Starship UK masks: old, cracked, weathered, off-coloured. But the mask fit River's face. They took the mask without paying the vendor. The two of them were psychopaths; they had no remorse about stealing things.
"Now put your mask on, dear," Missy said.
"Why? I thought you said it was for our marriage."
Missy slid a finger down River's right shoulder. "It takes me a while to get turned on. I need to see you in action before we fuck later."
"I never said I was going to consummate this marriage with you."
"Oh, we will be fucking later, Mrs. Song. Just you wait." Missy grabbed River's hand. "Now let's go shopping for rings."
Before they could go shopping for rings, a Winder, his angry Smiler face in place, stopped the two.
"If you're wondering, we're not returning the things we stole," Missy said. "And we know it's against the rules. You're going to have to catch us."
Several Winders appeared after Missy said that, surrounding Missy and River.
"I can blow them away if you need me to," River whispered.
"No, don't do that. But aim your gun at one of them."
River aimed her blaster at the Winder in front of her. Missy leaned against her back so she was directly behind River.
"Now move in a circle."
"Clockwise or counter-clockwise?"
"Pick a direction. Follow your ears."
River moved clockwise. Missy followed her.
"Hello, boys," Missy said to the Winders. She pointed to her eyes. "Look sharp." She made sure all the Winders were looking at her face before continuing to speak. "You will obey me and no one else. Do you understand?"
When Missy said that, River realised who Missy was. A person who frequently appeared in this history books on Gallifrey. A person known for hypnotising others. A person who was said to have disappeared near the end of the Time War. Missy Stoker was really the Master. River believed she must've regenerated into a female form some time after the Time War and escaped Gallifrey, since this face of the Master's wasn't in any of the history books of Gallifrey. River also guessed that the Master was now calling herself the Mistress, and decided to shorten the name to Missy. River knew that the Doctor was able to trick the Master out of his schemes. Maybe she could trick Missy out of this one.
"Follow me, boys." Missy waved her hand towards the Winders and gestured them towards her TARDIS. "We're all going to hop in my TARDIS so we can meet the queen. And then I'll be the ruler of Starship UK."
Missy walked towards the TARDIS. River grabbed her right hand.
"Sweetie, aren't you afraid of getting arrested here? I've heard the punishments here are brutal."
Missy laughed. "Why would anyone want to arrest me?"
"Sorry. I didn't quite hear you."
"Why would anyone want to arrest me?"
"Say that one more time."
"Why would anyone want to--"
River spun Missy around so that Missy was facing the Winders. River caught Missy from behind.
"Arrest me?"
River threw off her mask. "I know who you are, sweetie. If I were you I'd run. I know I'm going to, and soon. It's hard for a girl to find peace in this city when the police know you're a thief."
River let go of Missy and ran. Missy froze, saw the Winders running after her, and decided to follow suit.
Missy didn't get too far from the Winders. Her dress didn't allow a lot of mobility, and her shoes weren't made for running. Four Winders grabbed Missy. All of the Winders, with Missy in tow, headed towards the Tower of London. "I'm going to kill you, River Song," she screamed.
River turned her head towards Missy and the Winders. "I think it's better we both stay alive, Missy," River shouted.
River didn't see the blocked-off manhole in front of her. By the time she ran into the manhole's "Warning: Construction Site/Keep Out" sign, she thought that maybe she was lying to herself.
As River was falling through the manhole, she questioned whether she should've saved the Doctor's life, giving him all her regeneration energy. If she ended up slamming into the bricks in the sewerage system, she was dead upon impact. She couldn't regenerate, and she'd know the Doctor was the wicked man she was taught to believe.
She felt something wrap around her waist, stopping her fall. She looked down her waist and saw a star whale tendril. The tendril looked like a more pliable version of a scorpion's tail, complete with stinger and telson. The star whale tendril set River down on her feet on the ground below.
River aimed her pistol at the tendril. "I'm not afraid to hurt you."
The tendril lowered River's arm. It slid through River's legs, moving up and down, grazing her crotch.
River put her pistol back in her holster. "You want me to ride you."
The tendril kept moving through River's legs.
"I've just gotten married today."
The tendril continued to move between River's legs.
"Oh, alright, I'll ride you. I need to divorce my wife soon, anyway. I don't think our marriage will work out."
River turned around so the tendril's stinger was facing away from her. She let the stinger pass through her legs. Then she lie down on the tendril, near the bottom of its telson. She rested her legs on two of the lighted bumps on the side of the tendril.
To River's surprise, the tendril's skin felt rough to her touch. But the tendril was warm--not too hot and not chilling her skin. Even the lighted bumps on the tendril weren't too hot for River.
The tendril wiggled itself in the air, moving itself like it was a wave. River found the tendril's movements soothing and arousing. She loved how the tendril's movements made her hair bounce up and down. She hummed, a smile forming on her face.
She felt her clit growing harder, herself getting hotter and wetter. She started humping the tendril, letting her jeans rub against her clit. She closed her eyes and held on tight, fearing she might fall off when she came.
When River felt she was on the verge of coming, she humped the tendril and her own jeans more aggressively. Finally, she felt her orgasm coming. She gasped when she felt her clit reach the height of its sensitivity. She screamed when her legs began to quiver.
The tendril put River back on the ground once her legs were steady. River caught her breath. "Thanks for the ride."
The tendril stroked River's legs.
"Could you direct me to Winder headquarters? I think my wife is in jail, and I need to make a conjugal visit." She looked down at her jeans. "And I don't think I want to be caught walking around London with this wet spot in my jeans."
The tendril pointed towards a series of tunnels on River's left. River went down the tunnels.
As soon as she reached Winder headquarters, River sensed she was being followed.
She walked slowly through the headquarters. Still something was following her.
River pulled out her blaster. She put the blaster behind her back, upside-down, and pulled the trigger. The Silence taught her to shoot a gun from various angles and directions, so River targeting her stalker wasn't a hard thing to do. She still wondered how she retained the knowledge to shoot a gun, though. She barely remembered her training.
River turned around. She had killed exactly the type of cyborg she was looking for, a Winder. She didn't feel bad about killing the Winder. It shouldn't have been stalking her without saying something. Didn't it have a voice box?
River looked at the Winder she killed. The Winder had his Smiler face on, along with the rest of his outfit. River thought she could maybe into the Winder's uniform. Stealing a Winder uniform was what she was going to do anyway. She wasn't planning on killing a Winder, but it happened.
The first thing River needed to remove was the Winder's mask. The Winder's mask was screwed onto his neck. If she had something like a sonic lance or a sonic screwdriver, she'd be able to remove the screws on the sides of the neck without any trouble. She had no choice but to blast the screws off and hoped no one noticed the obvious char marks.
The unmasked Winder was a dreadful sight to behold. His spinal cord was readjusted to the middle of his neck. His eyes, teeth, tongue, and larynx were in the same position. But everything else that was in a human's head and neck were gone. "Well, there goes any chance of me becoming a Winder," River said.
Next, River stripped the Winder of his clothes and adornments. She looked at the Winder's clothes for a moment before deciding on how she wanted to wear them. She decided she wanted to leave her most of her clothes on Starship UK.
River was keeping her blaster and holster, however. She put on the Winder's shirt, pants, and shoes. To make sure her holster was still on her person, she put on her own belt over the Winder's pants and threaded and strapped the holster to her leg. The vest and cloak hid her blaster and her hair. She also wore the Winder key, the belt that went over the Winder's robe, and the Winder's gloves.
River straightened out her Winder uniform. To her surprise, it fit her. The uniform wasn't too tight and it wasn't too loose. The hole the blaster made in the uniform wasn't noticeable. She let her fingers move up and down her frame in the uniform. She felt powerful.
River tucked the mask into the shirt's neck. She steadied the mask by biting the side of the microphone in the mask. The Winder voice box was located in the neck part of the mask. River was certain she could speak into the mask despite holding on to it with her teeth.
With her look completed, River made her way outside towards the marketplace with her best impersonation of a Winder's stride.
River needed two things before she could find and confront Missy. The first was a mode of transportation. River had no clue where Missy's TARDIS was, but River knew she'd never take a ride in it again. River made her way to a vendor selling personal transport items.
"I need to check your vortex manipulators," River said through the microphone. The microphone made her voice, which was already throaty, even more intimating.
The vender in the tent ran out of it. River shrugged and picked up a vortex manipulator. After she made sure the vortex manipulator worked, she put it in the pocket of her robe.
Next, River went to a makeup vendor. The makeup vendor fled as soon as he saw River coming. River looked at tubes of lipstick before finding one that was specifically laced with hallucinogenic drugs. She also put the lipstick in the pocket of her robe.
With her shopping done, River made her way towards the Tower of London to see her third spouse one final time.
River headed to Traitor's Gate at the Tower of London. The gate was guarded by Winders; the Beefeaters that used to guard the Tower were retired when the United Kingdom left Earth. Two Winders, not wearing masks, stopped River.
"What is your business here?" one of the Winders said to River.
"Is the Time Lady that calls herself the Mistress imprisoned here?" River spoke through the mask's microphone.
"Yes," the Winder talking to River said. "What is wrong with your mask?"
"I need oil, but I was told to come here first before being repaired.
"Continue."
"I'm here to interrogate the Mistress."
"Who sent you?"
River mentioned the last name she remembered showing up in a history of Starship UK Winder chiefs. "Peter."
"She's in the Bloody Tower. She's taken Sir Walter Raleigh's room for herself."
The Winders let River through Traitor's Gate. River was surprised Peter was still alive, but she didn't let her body give this away to the Winders.
When the Tower of London was on Earth, Sir Walter Raleigh's residence was turned into a museum. On Starship UK, his residence, like the rest of the towers in the area, were converted into prisons again. And much like Sir Walter Raleigh's original cell, Missy's cell was a luxury one. She had a place to take meals at, a place to write if she so desired, and a bedroom with drapes over the bed.
Missy was sitting at her meal table, drinking earl grey tea and eating petit fours, when River blew off the lock to her jail cell.
"That's rude," Missy said. "Don't you have a key?"
River said nothing. She ran over to Missy and slammed her against a wall in the tower, bending her left arm behind her back.
"I've dealt with worse," Missy said.
Missy stomped on River's foot. River let go of Missy's arm. Missy pushed River against the wall. She pulled down River's hood and took off her Winder mask. "Wife! I'm so impressed that you found me."
"Because you thought I was dead."
"I was going to kill you anyway after I became queen of Starship UK. You think I want a queen consort?" Missy laughed. "But that didn't happen, did it? You had a change of heart."
"About what?"
"The Doctor. You tried to kill the Doctor. You were useless to me from the start."
River nodded. "I actually did kill the Doctor."
"How'd he survive?"
"I brought him back to life. I was told he was worth saving, so I gave him all my regeneration energy."
"You're worthless. You have feelings. You're not supposed to have feelings. On the other hand, if you were a robot with no feelings, you'd be a hell of a lot more enjoyable."
"Oh, I'm still a psychopath, sweetie. I could easily kill you with my eyes closed."
Missy grabbed River's hair and pulled her against the wall. "What are you? You have two hearts. You used to be able to regenerate. You have super strength. You can't be a Time Lady. I would've known about you on Gallifrey."
"I'm made from the best bits of the universe. That's all I'll tell you." River smiled and grabbed Missy's hair.
The two spun each other in circles until they ended up in the cell's bedroom. While Missy was attempting to grab whatever curls she could grab on River's head, River managed to unpin Missy's hat and undo her hairdo.
River was able to pin Missy against the wall again. "I don't like you."
"I know. Nobody likes me."
River unbuttoned Missy's jacket with her right hand as she kept Missy pinned to the wall with her left. "I almost died. I was saved by a space whale tendril. It offered to pleasure me, too, unlike you."
"I was going to pleasure you before you died. We would fuck, and then I'd choke you to death."
River snatched one jacket arm off Missy, then the other. "Tell you what. I'm frustrated right now, and I bet you are, too. Let me answer that for you--because I couldn't kill you, River Song."
"Yeah, that."
River's right index finger and thumb grazed the back of Missy's collar, desperate to unbutton her out of her blouse. "I want a sexual duel. Loser is the one who passes out. If you win, you get to crush my windpipe as much as you like. If I win, you'll forget all about me, and your trip to Starship UK will be a bad dream."
"How are you gonna make that happen? Beat me up? Oh, I like that."
"I have my secrets, sweetie. And I don't tell them to everyone I meet. Not even my wife."
"That's not the start of a good relationship. But go ahead. I can't wait to have tea with your dead corpse."
River pushed Missy into the wall. It took her a while to get Missy out of her outfit. There were lots of buttons to get Missy out of: buttons on the front of her blouse, snaps on her skirts, buttons on her corset. Her combo was the easiest thing to remove off her body. But Missy's shoes were in the way, and River had to unlace those to remove them.
It took Missy a shorter time for her to push and unrobe River from her Winder getup. River did take off her holster and belt from her person. She kicked both under Missy's bed, shaking her head. "I can't let you cheat at attempting to kill me. You have to earn it."
When they were both nude, Missy threw River on top of the bed. River was able to pin Missy on the bed using her extraordinary strength and her body weight. They shared a forceful kiss, their tongues fighting each other.
Missy brought River's left shoulder to her mouth and bit it. She left marks on her shoulder, but she didn't break River's skin. River moaned, a grin on her face.
"I was trying to draw blood," Missy said.
River shook her head. "You're still trying to cheat."
"You think I'm going to play fair while you're trying to fuck me?"
"I'm going to make you play fair."
River went over to Missy's left shoulder. She bit her shoulder in return, using the same light bite Missy (accidentally, so she said) used on her shoulder. With her tongue she licked down to Missy's left breast. She aggressively sucked and licked Missy's breast, lapping up the sweat from Missy's body. Then, with her teeth covered by her lips, she bit the areola, making the nipple erect.
"What are you doing?" Missy panted. "Bite it off. Chew it up. I can grow another one."
"That's not how pleasure works, Missy."
River did the same to Missy's right breast. Missy responded by pulling River's hair again.
"I like that," River said. "Keep doing it." She gasped and grinned.
"I hope you go bald."
"I doubt that'll happen."
River's leg grazed Missy's cunt. "Missy, you're wet."
"I know."
"I think we're ready to consummate our marriage."
River spread Missy's legs apart. She held Missy down with her body weight and started rubbing her clit against Missy's.
Missy tried to muffle her pants and moans. She bit River's shoulder, but she still made noise. But she couldn't hide all of her arousal. Her nipples were erect. Her cheeks were flushed. She could feel her clit growing harder. She knew she was losing this "sexual duel." And even worse, she was losing control over herself. She hated to lose control. She had to make her move to kill River as soon as she could.
Missy managed to free her right hand and attempted to choke River. River was able to grab Missy's hand and force it down Missy's side. Missy groaned in dismay. She started to claw River's back.
River laughed. "You trying to make me bleed to death?"
Missy shook her head. "If I keep at it, maybe you will bleed to death."
River still laughed. "I'm warning you, I'm a screamer. I was destined to be one. It's in my name, after all." River grinned. "It's going to get very loud in here."
"Fuck, are you about to come?"
River nodded.
Missy managed to wriggle her right arm free to cover River's mouth. River bit Missy's hand. Missy screamed in pain. "You bitch."
River nodded. "I know."
Missy was forced to listen to River scream in delight as she came. She held on to Missy as her body shook from her orgasm.
"Right, so I haven't come yet," Missy said. "How do I get to kill you?"
"I said 'loser is the one who passes out first.' I just came. I'm still awake." River lie beside Missy's left side. She used her legs to pull Missy's right leg and spread both of Missy's legs apart. She gasped as her sensitive clit hit Missy's leg. She held Missy down with her left arm. After she sucked her right thumb briefly, she headed for Missy's clit. "I'm going to make you come until you can't take it anymore."
River stroked the top of Missy's clit as fast as she could first. Then she went up and down the hood of her clit, taking breaks to wet her thumb when she thought it was too dry. Finally she rubbed the top of Missy's clit with her thumb, going clockwise.
Missy was trying her hardest not to come, even as River was trying to force an orgasm out of her. But her mind couldn't overcome the rest of her body. She was getting wetter and reaching the point where her clit couldn't take any more stimulation. Her eyes were wide. Her cheeks were flushed. Her nipples were erect. Her back was arching for River. She couldn't talk about how much she wanted River dead anymore. River was reducing her to a stammering mess.
The pleasurable sensations became too much for Missy. She winced her eyes as she came. She didn't attempt to moan; she grunted instead.
Missy cleared her throat after she came. "I didn't come. Surely you're feeling tired of something now, so let me kill you."
"Yeah, you did come. And I know something that might make you shut up for once."
River sucked her right index and middle fingers. She stuck her fingers inside Missy's cunt. Missy gasped.
River twisted her fingers back and forth in Missy's cunt. "You're very wet, Missy. And I like how you feel around my fingers."
"I've had things inside my cunt before," Missy said. "What are you going to do that's so special in there?"
"This."
River stroked Missy's G-spot as fast as she could. Missy felt herself clenching around River's fingers. She writhed and arched herself on the bed, trying not to admit or show she was on the verge of coming to River. Then something shot out of Missy.
"I hope I pissed all over you."
River kept stroking Missy. The stroking sounded squishier, wetter. "Oh, I doubt that. I think you're a squirter, and you're about to come for me."
"No, I'm--"
Missy let out a loud moan. She shook all over the bed and found herself pulling River's fingers out of her. Pushing River off the bed, Missy lie on her side as she felt the aftershocks of her orgasm. She repeatedly said "fuck" and gasped. Rolling back on her back, she lie still. She knew she had finally lost the sexual duel.
River patted Missy's swollen cunt. She licked the juices from Missy's cunt off her fingers. "You should do that more. Maybe you'll stop attempting to take over the universe less."
"Fuck you, River Song."
"I do fuck myself, and often. I quite enjoy it, too."
River picked up her Winder clothes and put them on. She tucked her Winder mask under her right arm.
"What are you doing?" Missy sounded tired.
"It's best you forget all this happened. Forget you found me at Luna University. Forget you tried to lead an army of Winders to attempt to become queen of Starship UK. Forget you ever married me, because you know this isn't going to work out in the long run. You're destined to find the Doctor again, as much as I hate that. But he'll stop you. He'll always stop you."
"So this is the part where you knock me silly." Missy smiled.
River put on her lipstick and tucked it back into her pocket. She reached under the bed and grabbed her belt and holster. "No, Missy. I prefer to make people forget in the gentlest of ways. A goodbye kiss. You don't have to reciprocate it, but we have to have it."
"I'd rather bite your tongue off."
Once River was fully dressed in her Winder outfit, River leaned over the bed and kissed Missy on her lips. "Good riddance, Missy."
River ran out of Missy's cell. She set her vortex manipulator to Surrey on Starship UK.
Missy woke up without any recollection of the past several hours. She saw her clothes strewn around what was a luxury prison cell. She knew someone or something had penetrated her, and there were remnants of her wetness on the bed.
Missy didn't care who or what penetrated her. She got up, picked up all her clothes, put them on, and planned to leave her jail cell. She wanted to find her TARDIS, get the hell off of wherever she was at, and then find the Doctor. Something told her he was still out there in the universe, somewhere. This was good. She missed her best friend. Maybe he'd get a clue and stop protecting deplorable humans for once.
If anything, she was excited at the prospect of killing whoever imprisoned her in this prison. A shiver went up Missy's spine. She knew the hunt for her TARDIS was going to be fun. For her, at least.
Back in Surrey on Spaceship UK, River found the New Church of St Nicolas and its minister in the church's office.
River took off her Winder mask. "I want a divorce from my wife."
"I can't just give you a divorce. You need a lawyer, your wife needs a lawyer--"
River gave the minister the saddest eyes she could give him. She leaned into his face. "Please?"
"I can't."
"Really? Thank you anyway."
River kissed the minister. The minister's eyes glazed over.
River deleted "Missy Stoker's" and her marriage from the church's digital registry. An adjustment on her vortex manipulator later, and River was back on her university apartment on the moon.
River Song has been married four hundred and twenty-eight times. All four hundred and twenty-eight marriages are recorded in her diary. The diary can be read on the planet known as the Library, in a special shrine dedicated to the Doctor. There, River's diary, along with several documents written about or for the Doctor thanking him for saving them, are there.
The Doctor has never been to the Library to visit his shrine, let alone read any part of River's diary. Maybe it should stay that way.
Author:
merryghoulFandom: Doctor Who (2005)
Word Count: ~5900
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: no standard warnings apply; fic contains canon-typical violence, minor character death, and sexual content
Summary: The brief marriage of River and Missy, complete with a thwarted attempt to try to take over Starship UK, an encounter with a star whale tendril, and a visit to the Tower of London. (River/Missy, idfic.)
AO3, Teaspoon, or under the cut.
River Song has been married four hundred and twenty-eight times. Her four hundredth and twenty-eighth marriage was to the Doctor. However, her very third marriage was to the Time Lady known as the Mistress. River didn't know she was marrying the Mistress at the time. When she found out, she noted it in her diary. She never told the Doctor while she was alive. This Mistress was well into the Doctor's future, anyway. To tell him would be a spoiler.
The Mistress, who went by "Missy," learned about River sometime after the Doctor and his allies defeated her Cyberman army. Hearing about River being imprisoned for murder reminded Missy of her wife, Lucy. Missy was glad Lucy was arrested and imprisoned for attempting to kill her while she was still Harold Saxon. But Lucy's imprisonment backfired on Harold when Lucy tried to poison him. After that, Missy felt nothing but bitter feelings towards her ex-wife.
Missy was disappointed to learn River Song was later paroled and was now dead. But Missy knew she could still find this River Song and enlist her to stop the Doctor's plans. All Missy had to do was travel to River's past. Missy learned River was once a student at Luna University. No one at the university knew where she came from or if River Song was actually her name. She showed up saying she wanted to study archeology. Everyone accepted it. With that in mind, Missy knew when to pick up River--sometime between semesters there, while she was still a student.
River completed her first term at Luna University. She was amazed at how the Doctor knew she'd love archeology. It was like a future version of herself told him to let herself know this. She was disappointed the university was on break. If she could, she'd stay in the library and study more about archeology there. Instead, she headed to her apartment, wondering where she would go during break.
That was when she bumped into a woman wearing a black hat, a purple jacket, a vortex manipulator, and dress, holding a purple umbrella in one hand and various books in the other. The books fell to the ground.
River blinked. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, picking up the woman's books. "I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
"Oh no, I'm sorry," the woman said. "I'm new here. I plan to enrol here next semester. I figured I'd be able to explore the campus before they closed up for break."
River handed the woman her books. "Where are you going for break?"
"Starship UK."
"Starship UK? I've always wanted to go there. They have some very interesting things there at the markets."
The woman blew a raspberry. "But what about the Winders there? They can change their faces at any moment."
"If you take me with you, maybe we can do both." River extended her hand to the woman. "I'm River Song."
The woman put her umbrella under her arm and shook River's hand. "I'm Missy."
"Wait a minute. How are we going to get to Starship UK? We need some sort of transport, and I don't have anything to get us off the moon."
Missy pulled out a vortex manipulator from out of her hat. She handed it to River. "Vortex manipulator."
River blinked. "A vortex manipulator? How'd you get a vortex manipulator?"
"A friend of a friend of a Time Agent. The details aren't important. Let's go. Strap that baby on. We're off to make pudding."
Missy and River materialised in Surrey, Starship UK. Specifically, they materialised in the New Church of St Nicolas, a recreation of the same church that was on Earth. And right in front of the altar, too. Both were face to face with a minister.
"I've seen people jump out of buildings to come to the altar, but this is the first time I've seen the couple to be appear out of thin air." The minister clapped. "Now the wedding can begin!"
"Wedding?" River asked. "We can't get married. We need a witness."
The minister pointed to a cocker spaniel in the corner. "Gracie's always a witness at a wedding."
"A dog can't be a witness at a wedding," River said.
"People in the state of New Mexico on the Starship of the United States have been using dogs as witnesses for ages. So we decided to do it on Starship UK. Now let's continue with this wedding. You two must be a bundle of nerves."
Missy grabbed River's hands. "Yes, dear, stop being a bundle of nerves. I want to be, the, um..."
"Are you asking how many times I've been married?"
"Yes."
"Two. To an Atrion for about a week--she died, by the way--and an Ursulan for a day. The Ursulan wanted a baby with me. I asked for an annulment as soon as he said that."
"The second wife of River Song." Missy stroked River's hair. "I can't wait to get you home and rip all the hair out your head."
"I worked hard to get this hair. No one is ripping it out of my head, Missy."
The minister cleared his throat. "In the presence of our Queen Mother, Elizabeth the Tenth, we have come together to witness the marriage of..." The minister pointed at Missy.
"Missy. Missy Stoker."
"And River Song, to share their joy and celebrate their love."
The minister continued with his amended version of what used to be the Church of England's wedding vows. Then he made Missy and River sign their names in the church's digital register of married persons. In front of the legal witness, Gracie the dog, Missy and River were married.
Missy kissed River in front of the minister and Gracie. River returned the kiss; she wasn't one to reject a random kiss here and there.
When Missy kissed River, River felt two hearts, two hearts that weren't her own. River knew that, besides herself, there were few species in the galaxy with two hearts. What was Missy? She looked humanoid. Was she from Apalapucia or Skale? Was she Dulcian, without the silly body skirts? Something benign, like a Clockwork being? Or something worse, like a Word Lady? Certainly, she couldn't have been a Time Lady, right? The Doctor was supposedly the last of his kind. She didn't count herself in that number.
Meanwhile, Missy knew River wasn't normal, either. And she didn't know whether River was an alien or not herself.
Missy slid a finger down River's nose and mouth. "Been so long since I had a wife. I'm sure you'll be a good one. You said you wanted to go to the markets, right?"
"Right."
"Let's go far, far away from this country outpost. Not the best place to spend one of those post-wedding holiday things you spend with your wife."
An announcement played as Missy and River materialised in London Market: "Welcome to London Market. You are being monitored. London Market is a crime-free zone."
Missy stepped out of her TARDIS and gestured in front of the gun booth. "Look, dear, our own wedding registry! I know you'll love these."
River looked at the booth and gasped. "How did you know I'd like this booth?"
Missy shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. You look like someone who'd enjoy guns."
River walked up to a section marked "Antique Guns from the United States." She picked up a Colt revolver. "I had one of these when I lived on Earth."
Missy walked over to a section called "Blasters." "Oh, no, no, no. You don't want some silly, dated Earth pistol, dear." She picked up a blaster and walked to River. "You want this."
"What is it?"
"An Alpha Meson pistol. You won't ever need to reload it like you would those silly Earth guns." Missy brushed away River's hair on the right side of her head and leaned into her ear. "Come on, try it."
River took the Alpha Meson pistol and aimed it at a pole holding down the tent. The force of the pistol pushed the tent away from Missy and River.
"You're going to be amazing with that gun," Missy whispered into River's ear.
"What next? I can't walk around London with this pistol in my hand."
"Silly me." Missy grabbed a drop leg holster from another table. "Let me put this on for you. Right leg, please. Oh, and your belt."
River took off her belt. Missy threaded the belt and the drop leg holster around River's waist. She then strapped the holster to River's leg. Missy slapped River's thigh. "Now let's go shopping for masks."
"Masks?"
"It's for our wedding night. I want something kinky when we consummate our marriage."
"Who said we were consummating a marriage? I don't know you at all."
"On the contrary, I think you know me well. You don't know it yet."
River and Missy went to another booth and tried on a mask. The mask was similar to a lot of older Starship UK masks: old, cracked, weathered, off-coloured. But the mask fit River's face. They took the mask without paying the vendor. The two of them were psychopaths; they had no remorse about stealing things.
"Now put your mask on, dear," Missy said.
"Why? I thought you said it was for our marriage."
Missy slid a finger down River's right shoulder. "It takes me a while to get turned on. I need to see you in action before we fuck later."
"I never said I was going to consummate this marriage with you."
"Oh, we will be fucking later, Mrs. Song. Just you wait." Missy grabbed River's hand. "Now let's go shopping for rings."
Before they could go shopping for rings, a Winder, his angry Smiler face in place, stopped the two.
"If you're wondering, we're not returning the things we stole," Missy said. "And we know it's against the rules. You're going to have to catch us."
Several Winders appeared after Missy said that, surrounding Missy and River.
"I can blow them away if you need me to," River whispered.
"No, don't do that. But aim your gun at one of them."
River aimed her blaster at the Winder in front of her. Missy leaned against her back so she was directly behind River.
"Now move in a circle."
"Clockwise or counter-clockwise?"
"Pick a direction. Follow your ears."
River moved clockwise. Missy followed her.
"Hello, boys," Missy said to the Winders. She pointed to her eyes. "Look sharp." She made sure all the Winders were looking at her face before continuing to speak. "You will obey me and no one else. Do you understand?"
When Missy said that, River realised who Missy was. A person who frequently appeared in this history books on Gallifrey. A person known for hypnotising others. A person who was said to have disappeared near the end of the Time War. Missy Stoker was really the Master. River believed she must've regenerated into a female form some time after the Time War and escaped Gallifrey, since this face of the Master's wasn't in any of the history books of Gallifrey. River also guessed that the Master was now calling herself the Mistress, and decided to shorten the name to Missy. River knew that the Doctor was able to trick the Master out of his schemes. Maybe she could trick Missy out of this one.
"Follow me, boys." Missy waved her hand towards the Winders and gestured them towards her TARDIS. "We're all going to hop in my TARDIS so we can meet the queen. And then I'll be the ruler of Starship UK."
Missy walked towards the TARDIS. River grabbed her right hand.
"Sweetie, aren't you afraid of getting arrested here? I've heard the punishments here are brutal."
Missy laughed. "Why would anyone want to arrest me?"
"Sorry. I didn't quite hear you."
"Why would anyone want to arrest me?"
"Say that one more time."
"Why would anyone want to--"
River spun Missy around so that Missy was facing the Winders. River caught Missy from behind.
"Arrest me?"
River threw off her mask. "I know who you are, sweetie. If I were you I'd run. I know I'm going to, and soon. It's hard for a girl to find peace in this city when the police know you're a thief."
River let go of Missy and ran. Missy froze, saw the Winders running after her, and decided to follow suit.
Missy didn't get too far from the Winders. Her dress didn't allow a lot of mobility, and her shoes weren't made for running. Four Winders grabbed Missy. All of the Winders, with Missy in tow, headed towards the Tower of London. "I'm going to kill you, River Song," she screamed.
River turned her head towards Missy and the Winders. "I think it's better we both stay alive, Missy," River shouted.
River didn't see the blocked-off manhole in front of her. By the time she ran into the manhole's "Warning: Construction Site/Keep Out" sign, she thought that maybe she was lying to herself.
As River was falling through the manhole, she questioned whether she should've saved the Doctor's life, giving him all her regeneration energy. If she ended up slamming into the bricks in the sewerage system, she was dead upon impact. She couldn't regenerate, and she'd know the Doctor was the wicked man she was taught to believe.
She felt something wrap around her waist, stopping her fall. She looked down her waist and saw a star whale tendril. The tendril looked like a more pliable version of a scorpion's tail, complete with stinger and telson. The star whale tendril set River down on her feet on the ground below.
River aimed her pistol at the tendril. "I'm not afraid to hurt you."
The tendril lowered River's arm. It slid through River's legs, moving up and down, grazing her crotch.
River put her pistol back in her holster. "You want me to ride you."
The tendril kept moving through River's legs.
"I've just gotten married today."
The tendril continued to move between River's legs.
"Oh, alright, I'll ride you. I need to divorce my wife soon, anyway. I don't think our marriage will work out."
River turned around so the tendril's stinger was facing away from her. She let the stinger pass through her legs. Then she lie down on the tendril, near the bottom of its telson. She rested her legs on two of the lighted bumps on the side of the tendril.
To River's surprise, the tendril's skin felt rough to her touch. But the tendril was warm--not too hot and not chilling her skin. Even the lighted bumps on the tendril weren't too hot for River.
The tendril wiggled itself in the air, moving itself like it was a wave. River found the tendril's movements soothing and arousing. She loved how the tendril's movements made her hair bounce up and down. She hummed, a smile forming on her face.
She felt her clit growing harder, herself getting hotter and wetter. She started humping the tendril, letting her jeans rub against her clit. She closed her eyes and held on tight, fearing she might fall off when she came.
When River felt she was on the verge of coming, she humped the tendril and her own jeans more aggressively. Finally, she felt her orgasm coming. She gasped when she felt her clit reach the height of its sensitivity. She screamed when her legs began to quiver.
The tendril put River back on the ground once her legs were steady. River caught her breath. "Thanks for the ride."
The tendril stroked River's legs.
"Could you direct me to Winder headquarters? I think my wife is in jail, and I need to make a conjugal visit." She looked down at her jeans. "And I don't think I want to be caught walking around London with this wet spot in my jeans."
The tendril pointed towards a series of tunnels on River's left. River went down the tunnels.
As soon as she reached Winder headquarters, River sensed she was being followed.
She walked slowly through the headquarters. Still something was following her.
River pulled out her blaster. She put the blaster behind her back, upside-down, and pulled the trigger. The Silence taught her to shoot a gun from various angles and directions, so River targeting her stalker wasn't a hard thing to do. She still wondered how she retained the knowledge to shoot a gun, though. She barely remembered her training.
River turned around. She had killed exactly the type of cyborg she was looking for, a Winder. She didn't feel bad about killing the Winder. It shouldn't have been stalking her without saying something. Didn't it have a voice box?
River looked at the Winder she killed. The Winder had his Smiler face on, along with the rest of his outfit. River thought she could maybe into the Winder's uniform. Stealing a Winder uniform was what she was going to do anyway. She wasn't planning on killing a Winder, but it happened.
The first thing River needed to remove was the Winder's mask. The Winder's mask was screwed onto his neck. If she had something like a sonic lance or a sonic screwdriver, she'd be able to remove the screws on the sides of the neck without any trouble. She had no choice but to blast the screws off and hoped no one noticed the obvious char marks.
The unmasked Winder was a dreadful sight to behold. His spinal cord was readjusted to the middle of his neck. His eyes, teeth, tongue, and larynx were in the same position. But everything else that was in a human's head and neck were gone. "Well, there goes any chance of me becoming a Winder," River said.
Next, River stripped the Winder of his clothes and adornments. She looked at the Winder's clothes for a moment before deciding on how she wanted to wear them. She decided she wanted to leave her most of her clothes on Starship UK.
River was keeping her blaster and holster, however. She put on the Winder's shirt, pants, and shoes. To make sure her holster was still on her person, she put on her own belt over the Winder's pants and threaded and strapped the holster to her leg. The vest and cloak hid her blaster and her hair. She also wore the Winder key, the belt that went over the Winder's robe, and the Winder's gloves.
River straightened out her Winder uniform. To her surprise, it fit her. The uniform wasn't too tight and it wasn't too loose. The hole the blaster made in the uniform wasn't noticeable. She let her fingers move up and down her frame in the uniform. She felt powerful.
River tucked the mask into the shirt's neck. She steadied the mask by biting the side of the microphone in the mask. The Winder voice box was located in the neck part of the mask. River was certain she could speak into the mask despite holding on to it with her teeth.
With her look completed, River made her way outside towards the marketplace with her best impersonation of a Winder's stride.
River needed two things before she could find and confront Missy. The first was a mode of transportation. River had no clue where Missy's TARDIS was, but River knew she'd never take a ride in it again. River made her way to a vendor selling personal transport items.
"I need to check your vortex manipulators," River said through the microphone. The microphone made her voice, which was already throaty, even more intimating.
The vender in the tent ran out of it. River shrugged and picked up a vortex manipulator. After she made sure the vortex manipulator worked, she put it in the pocket of her robe.
Next, River went to a makeup vendor. The makeup vendor fled as soon as he saw River coming. River looked at tubes of lipstick before finding one that was specifically laced with hallucinogenic drugs. She also put the lipstick in the pocket of her robe.
With her shopping done, River made her way towards the Tower of London to see her third spouse one final time.
River headed to Traitor's Gate at the Tower of London. The gate was guarded by Winders; the Beefeaters that used to guard the Tower were retired when the United Kingdom left Earth. Two Winders, not wearing masks, stopped River.
"What is your business here?" one of the Winders said to River.
"Is the Time Lady that calls herself the Mistress imprisoned here?" River spoke through the mask's microphone.
"Yes," the Winder talking to River said. "What is wrong with your mask?"
"I need oil, but I was told to come here first before being repaired.
"Continue."
"I'm here to interrogate the Mistress."
"Who sent you?"
River mentioned the last name she remembered showing up in a history of Starship UK Winder chiefs. "Peter."
"She's in the Bloody Tower. She's taken Sir Walter Raleigh's room for herself."
The Winders let River through Traitor's Gate. River was surprised Peter was still alive, but she didn't let her body give this away to the Winders.
When the Tower of London was on Earth, Sir Walter Raleigh's residence was turned into a museum. On Starship UK, his residence, like the rest of the towers in the area, were converted into prisons again. And much like Sir Walter Raleigh's original cell, Missy's cell was a luxury one. She had a place to take meals at, a place to write if she so desired, and a bedroom with drapes over the bed.
Missy was sitting at her meal table, drinking earl grey tea and eating petit fours, when River blew off the lock to her jail cell.
"That's rude," Missy said. "Don't you have a key?"
River said nothing. She ran over to Missy and slammed her against a wall in the tower, bending her left arm behind her back.
"I've dealt with worse," Missy said.
Missy stomped on River's foot. River let go of Missy's arm. Missy pushed River against the wall. She pulled down River's hood and took off her Winder mask. "Wife! I'm so impressed that you found me."
"Because you thought I was dead."
"I was going to kill you anyway after I became queen of Starship UK. You think I want a queen consort?" Missy laughed. "But that didn't happen, did it? You had a change of heart."
"About what?"
"The Doctor. You tried to kill the Doctor. You were useless to me from the start."
River nodded. "I actually did kill the Doctor."
"How'd he survive?"
"I brought him back to life. I was told he was worth saving, so I gave him all my regeneration energy."
"You're worthless. You have feelings. You're not supposed to have feelings. On the other hand, if you were a robot with no feelings, you'd be a hell of a lot more enjoyable."
"Oh, I'm still a psychopath, sweetie. I could easily kill you with my eyes closed."
Missy grabbed River's hair and pulled her against the wall. "What are you? You have two hearts. You used to be able to regenerate. You have super strength. You can't be a Time Lady. I would've known about you on Gallifrey."
"I'm made from the best bits of the universe. That's all I'll tell you." River smiled and grabbed Missy's hair.
The two spun each other in circles until they ended up in the cell's bedroom. While Missy was attempting to grab whatever curls she could grab on River's head, River managed to unpin Missy's hat and undo her hairdo.
River was able to pin Missy against the wall again. "I don't like you."
"I know. Nobody likes me."
River unbuttoned Missy's jacket with her right hand as she kept Missy pinned to the wall with her left. "I almost died. I was saved by a space whale tendril. It offered to pleasure me, too, unlike you."
"I was going to pleasure you before you died. We would fuck, and then I'd choke you to death."
River snatched one jacket arm off Missy, then the other. "Tell you what. I'm frustrated right now, and I bet you are, too. Let me answer that for you--because I couldn't kill you, River Song."
"Yeah, that."
River's right index finger and thumb grazed the back of Missy's collar, desperate to unbutton her out of her blouse. "I want a sexual duel. Loser is the one who passes out. If you win, you get to crush my windpipe as much as you like. If I win, you'll forget all about me, and your trip to Starship UK will be a bad dream."
"How are you gonna make that happen? Beat me up? Oh, I like that."
"I have my secrets, sweetie. And I don't tell them to everyone I meet. Not even my wife."
"That's not the start of a good relationship. But go ahead. I can't wait to have tea with your dead corpse."
River pushed Missy into the wall. It took her a while to get Missy out of her outfit. There were lots of buttons to get Missy out of: buttons on the front of her blouse, snaps on her skirts, buttons on her corset. Her combo was the easiest thing to remove off her body. But Missy's shoes were in the way, and River had to unlace those to remove them.
It took Missy a shorter time for her to push and unrobe River from her Winder getup. River did take off her holster and belt from her person. She kicked both under Missy's bed, shaking her head. "I can't let you cheat at attempting to kill me. You have to earn it."
When they were both nude, Missy threw River on top of the bed. River was able to pin Missy on the bed using her extraordinary strength and her body weight. They shared a forceful kiss, their tongues fighting each other.
Missy brought River's left shoulder to her mouth and bit it. She left marks on her shoulder, but she didn't break River's skin. River moaned, a grin on her face.
"I was trying to draw blood," Missy said.
River shook her head. "You're still trying to cheat."
"You think I'm going to play fair while you're trying to fuck me?"
"I'm going to make you play fair."
River went over to Missy's left shoulder. She bit her shoulder in return, using the same light bite Missy (accidentally, so she said) used on her shoulder. With her tongue she licked down to Missy's left breast. She aggressively sucked and licked Missy's breast, lapping up the sweat from Missy's body. Then, with her teeth covered by her lips, she bit the areola, making the nipple erect.
"What are you doing?" Missy panted. "Bite it off. Chew it up. I can grow another one."
"That's not how pleasure works, Missy."
River did the same to Missy's right breast. Missy responded by pulling River's hair again.
"I like that," River said. "Keep doing it." She gasped and grinned.
"I hope you go bald."
"I doubt that'll happen."
River's leg grazed Missy's cunt. "Missy, you're wet."
"I know."
"I think we're ready to consummate our marriage."
River spread Missy's legs apart. She held Missy down with her body weight and started rubbing her clit against Missy's.
Missy tried to muffle her pants and moans. She bit River's shoulder, but she still made noise. But she couldn't hide all of her arousal. Her nipples were erect. Her cheeks were flushed. She could feel her clit growing harder. She knew she was losing this "sexual duel." And even worse, she was losing control over herself. She hated to lose control. She had to make her move to kill River as soon as she could.
Missy managed to free her right hand and attempted to choke River. River was able to grab Missy's hand and force it down Missy's side. Missy groaned in dismay. She started to claw River's back.
River laughed. "You trying to make me bleed to death?"
Missy shook her head. "If I keep at it, maybe you will bleed to death."
River still laughed. "I'm warning you, I'm a screamer. I was destined to be one. It's in my name, after all." River grinned. "It's going to get very loud in here."
"Fuck, are you about to come?"
River nodded.
Missy managed to wriggle her right arm free to cover River's mouth. River bit Missy's hand. Missy screamed in pain. "You bitch."
River nodded. "I know."
Missy was forced to listen to River scream in delight as she came. She held on to Missy as her body shook from her orgasm.
"Right, so I haven't come yet," Missy said. "How do I get to kill you?"
"I said 'loser is the one who passes out first.' I just came. I'm still awake." River lie beside Missy's left side. She used her legs to pull Missy's right leg and spread both of Missy's legs apart. She gasped as her sensitive clit hit Missy's leg. She held Missy down with her left arm. After she sucked her right thumb briefly, she headed for Missy's clit. "I'm going to make you come until you can't take it anymore."
River stroked the top of Missy's clit as fast as she could first. Then she went up and down the hood of her clit, taking breaks to wet her thumb when she thought it was too dry. Finally she rubbed the top of Missy's clit with her thumb, going clockwise.
Missy was trying her hardest not to come, even as River was trying to force an orgasm out of her. But her mind couldn't overcome the rest of her body. She was getting wetter and reaching the point where her clit couldn't take any more stimulation. Her eyes were wide. Her cheeks were flushed. Her nipples were erect. Her back was arching for River. She couldn't talk about how much she wanted River dead anymore. River was reducing her to a stammering mess.
The pleasurable sensations became too much for Missy. She winced her eyes as she came. She didn't attempt to moan; she grunted instead.
Missy cleared her throat after she came. "I didn't come. Surely you're feeling tired of something now, so let me kill you."
"Yeah, you did come. And I know something that might make you shut up for once."
River sucked her right index and middle fingers. She stuck her fingers inside Missy's cunt. Missy gasped.
River twisted her fingers back and forth in Missy's cunt. "You're very wet, Missy. And I like how you feel around my fingers."
"I've had things inside my cunt before," Missy said. "What are you going to do that's so special in there?"
"This."
River stroked Missy's G-spot as fast as she could. Missy felt herself clenching around River's fingers. She writhed and arched herself on the bed, trying not to admit or show she was on the verge of coming to River. Then something shot out of Missy.
"I hope I pissed all over you."
River kept stroking Missy. The stroking sounded squishier, wetter. "Oh, I doubt that. I think you're a squirter, and you're about to come for me."
"No, I'm--"
Missy let out a loud moan. She shook all over the bed and found herself pulling River's fingers out of her. Pushing River off the bed, Missy lie on her side as she felt the aftershocks of her orgasm. She repeatedly said "fuck" and gasped. Rolling back on her back, she lie still. She knew she had finally lost the sexual duel.
River patted Missy's swollen cunt. She licked the juices from Missy's cunt off her fingers. "You should do that more. Maybe you'll stop attempting to take over the universe less."
"Fuck you, River Song."
"I do fuck myself, and often. I quite enjoy it, too."
River picked up her Winder clothes and put them on. She tucked her Winder mask under her right arm.
"What are you doing?" Missy sounded tired.
"It's best you forget all this happened. Forget you found me at Luna University. Forget you tried to lead an army of Winders to attempt to become queen of Starship UK. Forget you ever married me, because you know this isn't going to work out in the long run. You're destined to find the Doctor again, as much as I hate that. But he'll stop you. He'll always stop you."
"So this is the part where you knock me silly." Missy smiled.
River put on her lipstick and tucked it back into her pocket. She reached under the bed and grabbed her belt and holster. "No, Missy. I prefer to make people forget in the gentlest of ways. A goodbye kiss. You don't have to reciprocate it, but we have to have it."
"I'd rather bite your tongue off."
Once River was fully dressed in her Winder outfit, River leaned over the bed and kissed Missy on her lips. "Good riddance, Missy."
River ran out of Missy's cell. She set her vortex manipulator to Surrey on Starship UK.
Missy woke up without any recollection of the past several hours. She saw her clothes strewn around what was a luxury prison cell. She knew someone or something had penetrated her, and there were remnants of her wetness on the bed.
Missy didn't care who or what penetrated her. She got up, picked up all her clothes, put them on, and planned to leave her jail cell. She wanted to find her TARDIS, get the hell off of wherever she was at, and then find the Doctor. Something told her he was still out there in the universe, somewhere. This was good. She missed her best friend. Maybe he'd get a clue and stop protecting deplorable humans for once.
If anything, she was excited at the prospect of killing whoever imprisoned her in this prison. A shiver went up Missy's spine. She knew the hunt for her TARDIS was going to be fun. For her, at least.
Back in Surrey on Spaceship UK, River found the New Church of St Nicolas and its minister in the church's office.
River took off her Winder mask. "I want a divorce from my wife."
"I can't just give you a divorce. You need a lawyer, your wife needs a lawyer--"
River gave the minister the saddest eyes she could give him. She leaned into his face. "Please?"
"I can't."
"Really? Thank you anyway."
River kissed the minister. The minister's eyes glazed over.
River deleted "Missy Stoker's" and her marriage from the church's digital registry. An adjustment on her vortex manipulator later, and River was back on her university apartment on the moon.
River Song has been married four hundred and twenty-eight times. All four hundred and twenty-eight marriages are recorded in her diary. The diary can be read on the planet known as the Library, in a special shrine dedicated to the Doctor. There, River's diary, along with several documents written about or for the Doctor thanking him for saving them, are there.
The Doctor has never been to the Library to visit his shrine, let alone read any part of River's diary. Maybe it should stay that way.
