The One With the Threesome

[merryghoul]

Since Not Yet Primetime reveals have been made, I'm putting up the two stories I wrote to here (and Teaspoon respectfully). First, my assignment for Delphinapterus, which I struggled with for the longest before writing it.

Title: The One With the Threesome
Author:merryghoul
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Hardison/Parker/Eliot
Warnings: no standard warnings apply
Spoilers: none
Summary: In which Hardison, Parker and Eliot go camping in Eliot's home.

Has a mention of a Burn Notice character. Not a crossover.



It was raining outside Eliot's home. There was a pile of camping equipment in the middle of his living room: parts to make a tent, sleeping bags and a bug-zapping lantern.

"I want to go camping!" Parker said.

"We can't go camping, Parker," Hardison said. "It's supposed to rain all day, and there's a 70 percent chance of thunderstorms this afternoon. Do you want to be electrocuted?"

"I've accidentally Tased myself once. And there was this one woman in Miami who shocked me with a stun gun. Turns out she likes to be electrocuted too. Her name's Fiona. We should go visit her."

"Parker," Hardison said, "we are not visiting your friend Fiona. We can visit her later."

"Fiona?" Eliot said. "Why didn't we visit Fiona while we were doing that job in Miami?"

"I tried calling her but I guess she was busy with her own team." Parker shrugged.

"Eliot, are you inviting Parker to Tase me? I think that's what you're trying to do, brah."

"No." Eliot shook his head. "I wanted to meet this Fiona woman."

"Well, if you're inviting Parker to Tase me, then I think we should start building this tent right now."

Hardison pulled out the tent and started putting it together. Unfortunately for him, he ended up putting the framework for the tent into a circle.

"Seriously, Hardison?"

"Do you need help, Hardison?"

"No, Parker. I think I got this."

The framework broke apart.

Eliot sighed. "Come on, Parker. Let's help Hardison make this tent."

"I'm so glad we're not going outside," Hardison said. "I don't know how much tent-making and fresh air I can handle."

After the tent was properly assembled, Hardison turned on his laptop and set up a virtual campfire program. Parker stared at the laptop.

Eliot looked at Hardison. "That laptop is going to be our campfire to the night."

"Yeah. Isn't it cool? And as long as I don’t' have my screensaver on, I can keep the fire going all night without actually feeding it wood."

"It doesn't generate heat, Hardison."

"Ooh, pretty fire."

"Look what you did. Parker's hypnotized by your damn computer. How are you gonna snap her out of it, huh?"

Hardison put his hands over Parker's eyes.

"Peek-a-boo! No, that's not how it works. You're supposed to say peek-a-boo, Hardison."

Eliot sighed.

Parker turned on a flashlight under her chin. "I'm ready for the ghost story now."

"Parker, we don't have a ghost story for you," Hardison said.

"We're camping. How do we not have a ghost story? Ghost stories are a part of camping."

"In what universe, girl? I mean, we don't have s'mores, and I'd kill to have s'mores."

"I have a microwave, Hardison."

"I wanted to try the ones that were heated on a campfire for once, not in the microwave."

Eliot sighed. He turned on a flashlight and put it under his chin, "My universe. You want a ghost story? I've got a ghost story. This is the Tale of the Hanging Bunny."

Parker froze. "That's too scary."

"The Tale of the Burning Money?"

"That's even worse."

"Hardison, will you turn your computer off?" Eliot said. "I'm not going to sleep to some virtual campfire that isn't going to go off."

"No, man. The campfire gives off a bit of ambience."

"I can't go to sleep with something flickering in the background. Cut it off."

"All right, all right."

Hardison shut his laptop off and put the laptop on a table. He then climbed into his sleeping bag.

Parker woke both Hardison and Eliot up two hours later.

"Is this the part where we have the threesome?"

"A threesome?" Eliot asked. "You never said we"—

"Aren't we all supposed to snuggle together and…you know?"

"You actually mean a threesome, not something else that's not a threesome or extremely violent?"

"Yes, I mean a threesome, Hardison. Isn't that what people do while they're camping?"

"No, Parker. But are we all ready to take that step?" Hardison asked. "I mean, I know you, but Eliot"—

"What do you mean you don't know me? We've worked together for years, now, Hardison."

"I don't know you like that, you know?"

"Oh, like that."

"I brought a box. Is…" Parker pulled something from her sleeping bag. "Is 'Trojan' the type of box you use for these types of things?"

The next morning, Eliot got up and cooked breakfast for the three of them. He laid out toast with butter and grape jelly and made scrambled eggs.

After he was doing frying the eggs, he heard noises. It sounded like soft moaning and sighing.

"Parker? Hardison? Breakfast's ready."

No response. The noises continued.

"Parker? Hardison? I said breakfast's ready!"

Still no response. The noises didn't stop.

Eliot took off his apron and peeked into the tent.

"Guys, I said breakfast's ready."

Parker was on top of Hardison.

"Are you two having sex without me?"

"Oh, so that's what it's called."

"Parker, you know what sex is," Eliot said.

"You never told me how to sext. I thought you'd teach me. But you can join us, Eliot. I mean, we still have a box of Trojans here. Why not try to use them all up?"

Parker stretched in the tent. "That was fun."

"There's no point of us actually going outside to camp," Eliot said. "It's too late. We gotta put this tent back up and figure out a way to wash the sleeping blankets, but I made toast and eggs. The toast is still good, but the butter's melted and the eggs are cold."

"What's wrong with cold eggs?"

"Food poisoning. You have to cook and eat eggs at a certain temperature or you can get sick."

"I wanna try cold eggs anyway."

Parker and Eliot climbed out of the tent.

"Oh, so that's how it is? You two get breakfast and I have to get the tent down."

"No," Eliot said. "Get breakfast first, or at least this cold toast. Then you can get the tent down."

"You want me to take down the tent by myself."

"I mean, since you volunteered for it." Eliot laughed.

Hardison rolled his eyes and joined Parker and Eliot for stale toast.