Chateaubriand

[merryghoul]

I've got time before Doctor Who and time before I have to round up links for who_daily. Therefore, I can archive this and maybe post in a few Leverage places. My fic for the Rare Pair Fest:

Title: Chateaubriand
Author:merryghoul
Rating: G
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Parker/Eliot
Warnings: none
Spoilers: none
Summary: Cooking with Parker can be a disaster, but it doesn't have to.

Once again, I prefer comments to be directed to the AO3 fic, since it was for an exchange, but you don't have to.



Eliot hoped that attempting to teach Parker how to cook chateaubriand, complete with wine sauce and chateau potatoes, wouldn't end up a disaster.

When he asked her to show up to his kitchen in slip-resistant shoes and an apron, she came by with her usual outfit and Chuck Taylors.

"Parker…" Eliot growled.

"Hey, I'm here. We can still cook, right?"


After getting Parker to wash her hands, Eliot showed Parker how to tie the chateaubriand.

"Why are we tying the steak?" Parker asked. "I thought all you had to do was fry it in a pan."

"This is not an ordinary steak, Parker. It's a thick cut of meat. You can't just fry it. The middle of the steak would be raw while the rest of the steak would be burned."

"I thought you could eat steaks raw."

"No, Parker. There's a difference between raw and rare. You have to cook a steak to get it be rare enough to be edible."

"Are you sure you can't fry this steak?"

"I'm sure, Parker."

Eliot wrapped the butcher's twine around the chateaubriand, showing Parker how to make a knot around the meat.

When Parker tried it, she ended up tying Eliot's and her hands together.

As Eliot figured out a way to cut their hands free, Parker said "I don't understand why you'd need to tie up a steak."

"We're trying to get the chateaubriand to cook evenly in the oven, Parker."

"But it's a steak, Eliot."


The next step was to brown the chateaubriand with an olive oil and butter mixture in a pan. Eliot decided he would do this part of the step while Parker seasoned the chateaubriand (that he had to tie himself) with salt and pepper.

When Eliot had the butter completely melted in with the olive oil, he discovered that Parker had covered the chateaubriand completely with salt and pepper. It wasn't just seasoned; it was now in a salt and pepper shell.

Eliot took out a pastry brush and brushed off as much of the salt and pepper from the chateaubriand as he could.

"But aren't you supposed to see the salt and pepper on the steak?"

"No."

Eliot took the chateaubriand and seared it in the pan.


After the chateaubriand was seared and then cooked medium rare (because Parker thought the chateaubriand would taste like raw meat, and animals eating raw meat excited her), Eliot left the chateaubriand on a corner to let it rest.

To keep Parker into cutting into the meat prematurely, he had to scare her off with a butcher knife. He didn't want to scare her with the knife, but it was either the knife or the blood in the chateaubriand going everywhere on the baking sheet it was on. And, knowing Parker, the blood would've went all over the kitchen as well.


"Parker, I need you to chop up some shallots."

"These little onion things?"

"Yes, those little onion things. Do you know how to chop vegetables?"

"That's when you chop up the vegetables into little pieces."

"That's right. But can you"—

To Eliot's surprise, Parker diced up the shallot.

"That's the first thing you've done correctly all day."

"What? How hard is it to chop up a shallot? What's next, putting the wine in the skillet?"

"Yes, Parker."

"Can I do it?"

"No, Parker. I want my kitchen to still be standing at the end of the day."


After the tarragon and butter was added to the reduced red wine sauce, Parker and Eliot moved on to the chateau potatoes.

As Eliot was peeling the potatoes, checking for eyes along the way, and putting them into water, Parker kept pulling them out of the water and performing an impromptu puppet show.

"Hello, Eliot," Parker said in a high-pitched, cartoony voice, waving around a potato in her right hand. "I'm a naked potato."

"Parker."

"I'm a naked potato too!" Parker said in an even higher cartoony voice, waving around the potato in her left hand.

"Put the potatoes back in the water or they're going to oxidize and brown."

"Gee, I wish I had some clothes!" Parker said in the first cartoony voice.

"Me too!" Parker said in the second cartoony voice.

"Parker!"

Parker put the potatoes in the water. "Okay, okay. You're no fun anymore, Eliot."


The rest of the cooking went smoothly. Parker and Eliot sliced the potatoes. Eliot sautéed them in butter and sprinkled herbs, salt and pepper on top of them before roasting them. Afterwards, Eliot cut the chateaubriand into two servings. He drizzled the wine sauce over the chateaubriand and served the chateau potatoes. The cooking was over. Eliot now faced a new challenge: getting Parker to like the meal.


Eliot cut a piece of his chateaubriand and tasted it. Despite Parker nearly overseasoning the chateaubriand earlier, Eliot had saved it. It wasn't too salty or peppery. And, since

Eliot protected the chateaubriand from being cut too early, it was juicy and not runny. The wine sauce tasted of beef, butter and wine and was seasoned enough to let all of the flavors shine.

"Hey Parker, this chateaubriand is really good. We seasoned this perfectly."

Parker was making growling noises as she ate her chateaubriand.

"I guess you like the chateaubriand."

Parker nodded. "It's really bloody. I like blood."

"Yeah. It means the meat is moist. It's the opposite of a hamburger that's been grilled until it turns grey."

"I feel bad about killing our potato people and roasting them to death."

"Potatoes are not people, Parker."

Parker took a bite of the potatoes. "The potato people are good. I hope they aren't suffering too much. I can taste the herbs you put in them."

Eliot sighed and tried the potatoes. They too were seasoned and cooked well.

"You know, Parker, I was expecting this cooking lesson to go horribly, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. You have potential. We should cook more often."

"Can we cook cereal?"

"No, Parker. That would require us to steal a cereal factory."

"Can we steal a cereal factory?"

"No."

"Let's go steal a cereal factory."

"That's Nate's line, Parker."