CBeebies Storytime! with Richard Brook!

[merryghoul]

Something I worked on a few days ago while I had writer's block for crossbigbang .

Title: CBeebies Storytime! with Richard Brook! | AO3
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 532
Characters: Moriarty, Sebastian Moran, Sherlock, Holmes
Content Notes: crack, mentions of violence
Summary: Moriarty uses CBeebies to educate and send messages at the same time.
A/N: sherlockbbc_fic  prompt: Storytime for gory crime. Moriarty really is Richard Brookes. He manages his crime empire while still being the face of children's televison. The stories in every episode contain coded messages for his operatives.

I'd like some crack or humour fic where Moran and some of Moriarty's other goons all sit down, with popcorn, to watch Storytime and work out what The Boss wants them to do next.

Maybe John and Sherlock are up late one night watching repeats of the program and they notice names and scenarios that match recent crimes.

***

For those not in the UK, CBeebies is a BBC channel oriented for children six and under. Think BabyFirstTV, certain PBS programs, Nick Jr. or Playtime Disney in the US, for starters.

Also, The Story of Fidgety Philip.

It's 6:45 in the evening at Sebastian Moran's house. He and a few of Moriarty's henchmen are sitting around his television. A couple of the henchmen are eating from popcorn bowls.

Moran turns on the television. He changes it from the serial killer documentary playing on the Crime and Investigation Network…to CBeebies, where a colourful continuity advert is playing, promoting the network's programming for the next day.

The advert leads into CBeebies Storytime! with Richard Brook. After a graphic of a larger moon tucking in a smaller moon in a cloud bed, Moriarty is sitting at a dining table. Stuffed animals and dolls are also sitting around the table. A plastic tea set, pink in colour, is also laid out for Brook and his "tea guests."

"Would you like some Huang Jin Gui?" Moriarty tells the stuffed bear to his right. "You would?" He grabs the tea kettle and pretends to pour tear in the stuffed bear's cup. "Did you know another name for Huang Jin Gui is Golden Osmanthus?" Moriarty looks at the bear. "No?"

"Is the target's name Huang?" a henchman says.

"No, the target's name is Osmanthus." This henchman takes a handful of popcorn and stuffs it into his mouth.

"No, you morons, our target is a banker that likes to take tea," Moran says to the henchmen. "Jesus, pay attention. "

Moriarty looks at the camera. "Oh, hi! I'm Richard. I was just giving my friend Peter the bear some tea. Do you like tea?" He pauses. "You do?" He laughs. "Well, you shouldn't be having tea right now. It's bedtime. You should be in bed. Tonight's story is about a little boy. His name's also Peter."

"And our target's name is Peter."

"Where'd you get that?" the first henchman says.

Moran throws up his hands and sighs.

"This is a story about a dinner gone wrong. It's called 'The Story of Fidgety Phillip' by Heinrich Hoffman. Let me see if Philip can/Be a little gentleman…."

As Moriarty tells his story illustrations designed for CBeebies for this story appear on the screen. The graphics alternate with Moriarty sitting at the table telling the story to the camera. Moriarty is calm throughout most of the story. The camera is on his face when he emphasizes "Philip! I am getting cross!"

A graphic of Philip pulling the table appears on screen as Moriarty says "See the naughty, restless child." It goes back to his face when he says "Growing still more rude and wild."

"Does Philip work for Moriarty?" the henchman with popcorn says.

"No. He owes Moriarty money and he won't pay it up."

"How do you know this, Sebastian?"

"I'm amazed all of you have been working this long and haven't figured it out yet. Hush up or I'll start shooting some of you in the throat."

Moriarty completes his story, making sure to frown as he delivers the line "And Papa made such a face!"

At the very end of the broadcast, Moriarty once again addresses his stuffed animals and dolls. "Are you all ready for bed?" He turns to the stuffed bear. "Are you, Philip? You are? Good night, Philip. Good night, Dean's Street Gang." He smiles in the camera. "Good night."

Moran turns off the television. "You all got that? Target's name is Philip. Banker. Goes for tea on Dean Street. Kill him at the table."

The rest of Moriarty's henchmen give Sebastian a puzzled luck.

"I give up."


The next day, Philip Chapman, a high-ranking official with Barclays, is found murdered at the Dean Street Townhouse. A single bullet goes through his heart, and he collapses on the table, pulling the tablecloth and everything on it over him. It covers the gory sight until paramedics arrive.

Meanwhile, at a Barclays location, £5000 is stolen by two of Moriarty's men.

The news makes the local papers.

"A robbery and a murder happening at the same time," John says as he looks at the Guardian's website in 221B. "But why?"

Sherlock, who is watching television, flips through the channels until he sees Moriarty on CBeebies having "tea" with the dolls and stuffed animals.

Sherlock scoffs. "He isn't even trying anymore."